the list of bad habits get's a scapegoat
well i guess it is official. football season starts for me around and about today. granted the season won't actually start happening for another month or so but that doesn't mean the fanatical drunken rampages can't start now right? i mean i need something to explain my frequent sunday binge/blackout phases and liver disease. i could blame it on god but i would probably just piss all the right-wingers off so i will refrain from that bizarre nature. no what i mean is that training camp started for my beloved Packers today (
http://www.packerstrainingcamp.com). with this momentous occasion starting for me i can do one of many things that i highly enjoy.
here is my list of things that make the start of football season so great...
1.
Public Alcoholism (because everyone in green bay comes to watch them practice whilst drinking a beer, hell even family vacations promote that)
2.
Arguing with Random Strangers about Football (always fun to watch and do as well)
3.
Drinking on Sundays (not like i needed an excuse i just like placing the blame somewhere else and football is way better than this thing my friend's are calling addiction)
4.
Fantasy Footbal and Football Pools (i also have a small gambling problem....but only small)
5.
More Consumption of Meat (football is kind of like religion and therefore some animals need to be sacrificed to the Brett Favre god's so that he won't throw any more interceptions this year)
6.
Less Time Spent with Women (football gives me an excuse to burp, fart, scratch, yell loudly, and drink excessively at events i can't possibly control without the interuption of any women within 5 miles)
7.
It Makes Me Think About Less About Important Things and More About Not-So-Important Things (self explanatory)
8.
Football is my only source of national pride (what can i say, i don't like god, i don't like guns, i'm for gay marriage i.e. i don't fit with the majority right now)
9.
The SuperBowl (the even better reason to drink on a sunday than it being just a normal week....it's practically a national holiday)
10.
Large Men Hitting Each Other (always fun....i just wish it involved more monkeys)
that is about it folks or maybe i just skimmed the top of the list. remember i come from wisconsin where my love for my packers has been bred into me. i came out of the womb as a Packer fan. i could make a whole list of why i love the Packers. just remember when they show fans during football games. whose fans are always without their shirts off......in negative degree weather? that's right eat me rest of the NFL. ok i have said my peace. GAME ON!
marriage as a form of punishment
am i really afraid of marriage or is what i am feeling this psychological need to be a part of the social created male society that i am a paying member of since birth? is my behavior created therein by myself and therefore i am in control of my general sitaution. or am i just fucked and should resign to the truths and myths of current situation and stop using bigger words to describe an already normal affair of being a questioning youth in a society in which that has become a cool personality trait and not a bare bones reality. ok that was a hardcore run-on sentence and shouldn't be included in a crappy diatribe about the fact that i don't like to think about marriage. i can't think about that thought. i am a male, i am a college senior...blah...blah...blah. like i said sometimes i should just not talk and things would go a lot better for a lot of people.
i think the real question that i have started to post to myself as of late is why is that there is this one girl that will ruin the rest of my life. i don't mean in the she is bad for me type of way but rather no matter what female i decide to sleep with in the future this is the girl that i am going to think about. i can't get over her. i tried. not that hard but it was an attempt. note to self don't date the cool artistic girl you think will show you the meaning of things. they just drive you to drink way more than you should. but as i was musing of cultural and personal relevance tonight i brought a very poigant point is that we are taught to go for the girl next door. we don't go for the hot bombshell because she is a bitch and will never love you like the girl next door will. but why is that the case and what the hell is the girl next door anyways because even that cultural stereotype is becoming shifted and wraught of all "The Wonder Years" glory. so yes is it cruel glory that Winnie Cooper ruined this boy's life. (the girl that ruined my life looks like Winnie Cooper
http://http://www.danicamckellar.com/) so therefore i will go through this neverending cycle of similtaneously of thinking about being and not being with her at the same time. all i can say is that women have been the sole cause and purpose of my life and have therefore fucked everything up. i won't complain and i won't argue. i had it coming so long ago and have given up fighting that fact.
it's hard trying to sound original in all of the material that i discuss when i am looking at my past relationships. i could say everything i expound willingly from my mouth is just another homage to every song and movie i have ever seen. but that would only be the partial truth because i am all out of ideas and i know that i will keep cycling back upon myself in a rage of glory and sadness. i will get married. i will have the 2.5 kids and the dog. not the minivan i prefer buicks mostly out of a genetic dispostion and tranical hatred for the walking villages that are SUVs but who i am to say i won't be a hypocrite. in the end everything does work out and i am still just babbling along at the speed of my brain just waiting till someone gives me that purposeful ego boost that i have been searching for.
but in the immortal words of
"
Silent Bob: You know, there's a million fine looking women in the world, dude. But they don't all bring you lasagna at work. Most of 'em just cheat on you."
goddamit.
how to succeed: the slackers short list
i am an overachiever. this i have known for a long time. but if this fact is true why is it that i am one of the laziest people i know. i hate getting up to get the remote if i am comfortable. i have been resigned to watching figure skating because of this fact. so when you compare these statements i am basically a living walking oxymoron. and not in the humourous "oh that's ironic type way" like jumbo shrimp because i am 1. not a crustacean and 2. it is completely contradictory. so i went through a process to deconstruct my DNA to figure out the correct matematical formula to why i am the way i am. i got bored with that in my ADHD riddled mind and decided to babble on for a while in my ostentatious blog about why i am a slacker/over achiever.
for one thing i make everything i do look easy. no matter what it is i try and not let things get to me and just smooth my way through life. i have a very internal philosophy that i have adopted in college which some pop culture critics could deem "stoner chic" but no one gives a shit about stupid media derived labels. unless your Paris Hilton. (ok that was not even close to being a good joke). i call this philosophy "Meh." for many pop culture geeks like myself they know that this is derived from the Simpsons and really just implies an "ehh or whatever type feeling". this is why i think i am slacker. my genetic dispostion thanks to my wonderful mother is that of worried, pent up, anxiety driven person. therefore adopting "the Meh Philosophy" makes life go a little bit easier for me. and frankly if Meh can get you by or through a certain stressful situation wouldn't you keep using it. there are many other forms of this philosophy. there is the "Shit Happens" take. that is primarly popular with pessimists. also the "Don't Worry Be Happy" mentality but i don't have a back up reggae band to support my thoughts. i could go on and on and actually i will to tell you the truth. stoner culture has become so ingrained into our world it has become essential to everyone's cultural lexicon. but i am going to spin it back around on ya.
the flip side to my "Meh Philosophy" is over course it's counterpart is the over analyitcal mind. and jesus h. christ do i have one of those drug addled sumbitches in my ole noggin. i can take any situation even if it is a girl asking me the time. and over analyze it to the point where i am wondering the reasons for her not wearing a watch and the cultural ramifications for her choice in the near future. i am a freak because my mind never stops moving and wizzing through things. i can mentally process more things than the aver age person. this is why i am bad at tests because i just whiz through things because i work at such a high pace. this is why i am so busy all the time because i am always thinking and brainstorming. my general attitude about life is "Meh" but my mind can never be "Meh". i have tried trust me but in reality it makes a perfect combination. i get a lot of crap done but i never get to pent up (ok that's a lie) about everything.
so yes i am a living oxymoron. unfortunately i know this and to go along with the above mentioned ideas i am also stubborn and independent. i am a threat and very dangerous. oh well at least it makes life interesting for myself because who wants a boring normal day?
the cunning use of flags
who ever invented the whole process of love can fuck off. it had to be a woman because like we say here in our house during a poker game. the bitch (the queen) will fuck you over. it's the truth. this rant is mostly out of frustration from a long weekend of bickering and moaning with women. if you want to know the semantics of that whole situation just go to my livejournal. but anyways why is love the worst word in the dicionary? or better stated why is a four letter word the most weighted thing ever. that sucks and i know i am not alone in this sentiment. i think the primary reason why love is so complicated for me is because of one line that i quoted to a new found friend of mine. i am only a sucker for two things in this world. girls and music. both go together and someone can make the chicken or the egg argument i would probably throw a fit because i don't like eggs. but enough funny business the real purpose of this essay is to talk about the cunning art of staking your claim. relationships are like owning property. you have to know what is yours because you just rent a love. those are called hookers and those are not the type of girls that you bring home to mom unless they are into that stuff and that always costs extra. i always find it quite amazing how possessive most women get when they feel or know that a man is their's. it is astounding because i am not saying that i don't do it as well. but i do it more from a bragging perspective mostly. the subtle complacency of being able to stake your flag in a methaphorical sense is fun and easy. it is simpler for guys because maybe i am the only guy that does it but when i hear a girl say she has a boyfriend or see the guy i stop my assault right there. that is a stopping point unless the girl is ungodly hot and dating an asshole then it is your duty to get her away from that guy.
eddie izzard has a line about how we colonized countries with the cunning use of flags. the same can be said about women. this happened to me last night. i was flagged. and since i have gone through a gamet of relationship related drama lately i see the underlying use of flags that women do. it is so bizarre because it isn't just relationship related because that would be way to easy. a couple of my friends and girls that i occasionally hang out with do it as well. they want all the attention and we can't give it to anyone else. but i just want to be able to do what i need to do and if that includes talking to another girl whilst having some beverages then that is what i am going to do. i know where the perverbial line is and i won't cross that unless 1. i had way way too much to drink then it is expected that i become a horn dog, it's science folks 2. i know that i can cross that line which is actually never because it doesn't matter some girl always has a flag in me. and really that's it because this isn't much of an analysis. just more of retelling of a stand up routine that is connected in some way to relationship advice from a guy that really should give anyone advice about stuff like that. if i could ever start to listen to myself then maybe i wouldn't have drama. but that would be too easy and what's the fun in that.
professionalism at it's finest
so i was sitting on the crapper trying to sort out the events that have transpired in my life up until this point. ok not the exact point because i know why i was sitting on the crapper but that is long story. what i mean is that i am just trying to see if my decisions that have become life altering have been for the better. granted, everyone goes through this and my brief analysis of my current situation will offer nothing to the general public besides a few random comical drinking stories which were more like "had to be there stories." it is hard to think that these choices i am contemplating are all coming to a head for me and in doing so i understand why many people my age don't do anything with their lives sometimes. it is hard to make a decision about careers, love, and whatnot. i just don't want to do it to be frank. this is why alcohol and causual drug use is so popular amongst kids because the altered reality is better than anything i could ever hope to accomplish if i had to make my after graduation decision right now.
to be frank i think that i have passed all my rites of passage as a young adult in this country. i just turned 21 so that means i can drink. yeah ok not like i didn't do that before i turned 21 because i have been drinking like one since i was 18. but honestly that was seemingly the last right of passage that i was looking forward to in the short term. what now? what is there to interest me about my future ahead and that i should look for the cultural. my friends and i were talking about this very topic a couple of weeks ago and no one had an answer. the student of our group said that college graduation is the next step. but that doesn't matter anymore because grad school is the new college and i don't really need a piece of paper to tell me that i spent 4 years of my live drinking excessive and doing absolutely fucking nothing. i have the bad liver to prove that. the girl of the group said that marriage is next. that's fine and dandy but i am a male. marriage is not the next step. fuck that. someone made the wise crack that when we turn 25 we can rent a car. but i don't know how excited i am about being able to rent a crappy Chevy Probe the next time i want to jet to Las Vegas to look for hookers. so really that doesn't leave us with much.
i could insert tons of blah blah blah cliches here that could inspire the masses or even place myself in some sort of denial in which i create this amazing thing to look forward to. but an optimisitc person would say that. if i was being negative i would just say death and end the conversation there but i am not usually that pessimistic. only on thursdays am i that way. so really i am going to end this essay with that fact. who really fucking knows? and once you figure that i out i would love to hear your thoughts. instead i am going to do what every college student does. study...........the effects of ice on a keg and how much ice is needed to keep a keg cold. now that is something to measure because it effects the masses. goodbye brain cells. hello alcohol induced depression.
this is me....
josh, steph, and me enjoying many malt beverages again on my 21st b-day.
Sarah and myself at a local establishment of alcoholic beverages.
purposes of superficiality...
i am not a smart man. ok maybe that isn't true but i know that there are a lot of people that know a lot more than i do. this bugs me. i don't know why this does but for some reason all of the arcane knowledge that i know which grows seemingly every day always leaves me with hopes for more. this is kind of like a crack addiction but since i have never done crack i can't really make that analysis i just heard it somewhere and thought it would sound cool. what i am really trying to say is why in this country dominated by media culture do we value and at the same time degrad knowledge of the senseless type?
i have always spent my life reading way too many music magazines. this is my porn. i absorb modern rock literature like it is the bible or the koran or something along those lines. the problem is that this is my problem. why do i get so consumed by this pointless guys like myself who all they can do is talk about why Frank Zappa was important and whether Bob Dylan going electric was a good or bad thing. i don't know these things because i am a young kid. being 21 and growing up in a small town doesn't leave you with many options. therefore the waste that is rock criticism has become an outlet to avoid picking up a single school book because what can the biological basis for all human development tell me about which Beatle was more important and why. these burning questions that someone like me strives to know and better stated spit out at bars and parties when completely intoxicated off of Pabst. but then again at the same time all of this knowledge of which i have worked tirelessly to learn can always be insulted by someone else just like me. i don't think there has been a time when i have fully agreed with anyone about anything really. the cannibalistic approach to the snob life has turned me into a elitist and an asshole. part of me should really care that i am insulting random people that i don't know about things that don't matter. but i don't.
i guess i didn't say much in totality. except i'm an asshole and i don't know anything about rock music or anything in general. oh well at least i live in a state where 65% of us are alcoholics and the rest love god and alcohol at the same time. weird state. it's true.
