preparation and determination with a dash of paprika
well folks what can i say. summer is almost officially in the can. another drab couple of months have squeeked away from my life and my joy is neither contained or lost. ok i don't know what the hell that means. there are many emotions that go through your mind when contemplating the new school year. granted, these aren't new feelings since i have been going to school now for pret'near 17 years of my life. and i should be in aghast at the fact that i am going to be a college senior like i was earlier in the summer. but fuck that i am ready bring it on. i am still overwhelmed by the absorbant amount of crap this darn overachiever must accomplish in a few short months. but thankfully i am prepared for this next excursion into the unknown. last year was one of the biggest learning experiences for me in all the turmoil and accomplishment and that is why i am not scared of this year. i know what i am doing now more than ever and nothing is going to stop me. a lot of the self doubt is still ever present but liquid courage makes that go away.
so therefore the weird thing to contemplate is the fact that this new school year is nothing special. it is just routine for me by this point even though i should be holding myself in the fetal position naked. i don't know why this complacent feeling has invaded my brain but i can't really deny the fact that it is there. i think i may have lost math this summer though. oh well didn't need it anyways. but now that the wringer that is the summer of my 21st year has drug me through the process. all i can say is bring it on bitches let's see what you got.
so there i was
i have spent a lot of this blogs short history talking about relationships and my ever burgeoning alcoholism. i have failed to mention one of the things that has ruined my life considerably. for one week of my life i was the happiest person i have ever been. there were no problems. there were no issues. there was just me and 25 other people. what i am talking about is my greatest experience ever. it was a week trip to Florence, Italy in which i spent 7 days drinking, walking, taking photos, and being passionate about something. i have been thinking a lot about this week lately and the consequences of this fateful trip. because it is something i will never forget and here is why.....
this was the first time that i have been out of the country and it came at a time in my life where something monumental needed to happen to make me feel again. this trip was one of those things that just opened my mind to all of the possibilites of life. i don't know if that was the unbelievable history or the fact that i was drunk for most of the trip. i think of all the people on the trip i was one of probably 6 people that was excited to explore everything that was offered to me. i didn't waste a moment and didn't bitch and complain about anything. i just went and didn't ask any questions. i wasn't nervous about anything i just went and enjoyed everything.
there is only one thing that i regret about the trip. time. i wish i had more time. i'm saying that i needed more days because i was exhausted enough as is anyways. i mean i wish i wouldn't have been so set on seeing everything and i wish i could have just sat somewhere for a while. found a nice quite cafe and sit there with my music. do some writing. the whole purpose of the trip was to examine life and i did that. but not to the extent i needed to. but of course that is always the way it happens with me.
this isn't really meant to be an amazing post. just a brief trip down my memory lane to where i had once been. the best week of my life. oh i miss that so much right now.
i like muffins and other non commital ideals
so i was eating my muffin this morning and i had an epihany. ok that's a lie. but i am eating a muffin right now and typing. ok that is another lie. i have been searching the past couple of days for something inspiring to write about since i have had little or nothing to say in the past days. most of resolve has been spent fighting the tyranny of young conservatives and mourning the loss of cereal in my household (i haven't gone to the grocery store). so translation i am bored and have nothing to talk about. so really this essay is a test to see if i can write anything symbolizing a relevant post since there is nothing to talk about. i thought about analyzing the purposes of summer relationships in addition to discussions of marriage within the same vicinity. or translation waaaaayyyyy to many people that i know are talking about marriage and i am not. this bugs me. also the aforementioned girl nex door is trying to keep her claws in me as i am being commital and noncomittal at the same time. summer is a unique being to encounter. last summer i spent most of it being care free and relaxed. this summer i have spent it torn, broken, confused, bewildered, and drunk. big difference when this was supposed to be my last summer of fun before entering that real world thing.
what is interesting is that this three month period of the year can seemingly begin to define you as a person. i have been able to look back on my various summers and look at what i have done and how it has affected me. i think the truth is that this summer is the first time where it didn't feel like summer anymore. as a young kid you dreamed of the days when you didn't have to do anything and you could enjoy summer. now all it is is work, bills, and worry. so the real question is....is summer vacation over for me for the rest of my life. have i made that final step forward. or has my brain taken so much alcohol and personal abuse that i can't tell the difference anymore. oh well.
