the inevitable can always be stopped
you know what is a weird feeling. knowing that you have to instantly prepare for your future and actually kind of doing that then doing a complete reversal into the nothingness of apathy and wanting to return to past days in hope of finding answers. yeah that didn't make sense but is kind of where i am at. but know this is what really grinds my gears. time. seriously it can go fuck itself for all i care. but the good news is that motivation is slowly creeping back into the system. i am sort of, kind of doing actual things now and then. not a lot just enough to scrap by for the time being. i just don't care about this semester anymore and i have almost turned that around in hopes of getting my ass out of this year so i can move on into life. i went to a conference last week which consisted of professionals in my current area of professional development which is student affairs. that conference did a good thing for me because it gave me a little kick in the ass and now i have to sit here and pound through some grad school type things in order to get myself out of this city. i am excited and i know that i have done the right thing. now i have to kick my perverbial post-teenage apathy in the perverbial ass or i will get nowhere. i wish that was easier said than done. a lot of me wishes that i didn't have to go to school or work because that would be so much easier. if i could just work at home for the next couple of months i would get a lot of research done in my selected areas and have no problem preparing myself for grad school. i could be so happy right here in front of my computer listening to my ever growing song library and do the shit i need to do. but then again i am too busy drinking and playing poker. that isn't a good thing but something i am living with and this damn disease called senioritis in which the only cure is large amounts of grain alcohol. funny how that works out.
the biggest thing that i am scared about is the fact that the direction i need right now is something that i need to find. i am basically on my own in a sense in that i have to forge ahead and decide what i want to do with my career. this isn't an easy decision because i have things in the way now. sarah is there and i have to plan my life around her because we are on the track right now of preparing for the long haul. i don't really know where i am at right now but somethings have shown me that i am ready for this transition and to be frank i just want it to happen right now. this waiting that i am doing here in GB isn't bringing me new learning experiences because i believe that my learning here is done and kuput. that's all she wrote and therefore i just want to move on right now. i didn't think that it would happen as early as it did but i am ready to work and ready to put my skills to the test. bring it on bitches i have tons of material behind me ready for arrival.
scene stealing turns of the century
love is a hard thing. but that is a redundant statement with no promise and/or new meaning to an already dying cliche. you know what isn't hard but i have been witness to many times. stealing someone. what i mean is stealing someone from a significant other to make them your current love interest. this isn't a good thing. i have done this and i have been stolen. and what do i think of that situation currently. bad fucking idea. i wish i could blame it on drugs or blatant lapse of self awareness. nope not true. i was a thinking rational human being during that time and it was a really bad idea. don't steal people just leave them be or at least that is what i am staying from my current position. i was witness to another attempt to steal me a couple of weeks ago but i won't go into details. but i will say that it did involve alcohol. big surprise huh. but what i am trying to say has to be shaped around a couple of comments that i have been witness to in the recent months. one is from another girl who will never read this thankfully but it came along the lines of that Sarah (the love of my life and current cause of ALL of my problems but i love her unfortunately) has me wrapped around her finger. no shit sherlock i could have told you that soooo long ago and if you think that that is going to change tomorrow big fucking surprise. my friends from home know me the best and this girl is worth all the fighting. so therefore a word to the wise out there. you want to steal me or go after me that is not going to be easy because you are fighting me and her and more importantly me. because i am stubborn and hopeless and stupid. most importantly i know i am gonna fuck up a lot but i am fine with that because that is how my life is going right now. but yeah girls suck. but i am not much easier to understand and deal with. oh well not gonna change that am i?
wow apathy is a real bitch
you know what isn't fun. hangovers. it sucks getting them because it has a double paralyzing effect at least for a guy like me. i have officially gotten senioritis. i think i picked it up from that hooker i spent last wednesday with. oh wait that was clamydia. i get them mixed up. but back to what i was saying i am feeling apathetic as of late. i haven't decided if that is because of my impending graduation, disinterest in said graduation, or the fact that the packers sucks complete balls this year. it is quite a pickle that i am in. this is why hangovers suck. the weekend is really my only time that i have to do the bits and pieces of homework that is thrust upon my unwilling mind and i have to go and fuck that up by drinking myself silly. some people would say this is my fault for 1. not doing my work and 2. being a borderline alcholic. but i say no. why do i say no because i feel that it is everyone's, and in everyone i mean me and me alone, right to have a period of life where all he does it bullshit with friends, drink mass quantities of beer, gamble his little earning away, and debate about the preferences of a backup quarterback to the already aging starter. normally we call this part of life college and if there has been one thing really good at it is college. but i don't want to be in college right now. i mean i want all the benefits but not the work. so basically the short end of the story i don't want to do work but i want to be in school somehow.
changing the train of thought in the middle of the post but you know what i love about wisconsin. bars. shocker isn't it. but i like bars. i guess this makes sense with the whole hangover talk but there is always that debate about what type of guy are you. am i a coffeeshop type of guy. nope. i am a bar guy for many many reasons. one i grew up in wisconsin so i like my liquor and Lewis Black pointed that out really quickly and easily about us Professionals here in good ole' Sconny. last night we were all at our local estabilshment of drinks and spirits and we had a local wisconsin guy bar singer playing away last night. this guy's name was Pat McCurdy whose entire show is about sex and beer. two of my favorite things and i couldn't help myself from thoroughly enjoying the show. of course i had already had many beers by this point in the night. but yeah that's my story.
so back to the original topic. because of my lovely little campfire story we can begin to see 1. why i hate hangovers 2. why i am apathetic and 3. why i love college. if i graduate with a good gpa and get into grad school and eventually get a job then i will feel like i won the lottery because damn i don't know how i have done what i have done in these past 4 years. but then again there are millions of people just like me that have done the same thing. and that makes me feel good and proud. then i have done my job.
